** Trigger Warning: This article may be triggering for anyone with traumatic experiences regarding racism, sexism, religious oppression, ableism, classism, or losing at chess. If you are not emotionally prepared to handle opinions that don’t perfectly align with yours, please do not read this article.
In the year 2016, its shocking to see the continued presence of barbarism and oppression in our society. One of the most egregious examples is the game of chess, which continues to be played across the country by people seemingly unaware of the myriad of microaggressions inherent in the game. Our country has made a lot of progress and the next logical step is the eradication of this fundamentally racist and ableist game.
The most obvious microaggression in this game is the fact that it pits black against white. If this weren’t bad enough, the game also reinforces white privilege by allowing the person playing the white pieces to go first. This is so symbolic of the racism inherent in our society that it is hard to believe that the game has survived so long. Just as white people in our society get an unfair advantage due to their white privilege, the white pieces get an unfair advantage by playing first. This reinforces our cultural norm of the superiority of whiteness and makes the pernicious effects of racism harder to remove.
If this isn’t bad enough, the game is also extremely ableist. Why are some pieces, like the queen, allowed to move as many squares as they want while the pawn can only advance one square at a time? This could be extremely triggering to people who are not as physically capable as others. We should change the rules so that each piece can choose to move as many squares as it wants.
Furthermore, the game also imposes a disgustingly close minded view of religion. Both sides have powerful pieces called bishops, suggesting that the Christian religion is the only one that can hold legitimate power. If we want to make the game of chess truly inclusive, we need to add pieces that represent all faiths. I suggest removing the bishop entirely and replacing it with a more inclusive “spiritual leader.” This would make the game much more appropriate for our diverse 21st-century society.
Thankfully, this article is entirely satirical. However, due to the increasing power of PC police in our culture, it is hard to tell what is satire and what is real. If peanut butter and jelly can be banned for being racist, there is no way of knowing what the cultural Marxists will come after next. Sadly, by claiming to find racism everywhere, liberals have made it harder to address real racial issues when they come up. Our country does still have some serious racial problems that I am not trying to belittle. However, by attacking peanut butter sandwiches for racism, the radical left destroys the rest of the country’s ability to deal seriously with racial issues.